


A Broken Heart Is All That's Left, I'm Still Fixing All the Cracks (Lost a Couple of Pieces When I Carried It, Carried It, Carried It Home)

by Huntress8611



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brotherly Love, Brothers, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Dean Winchester Gets a Hug, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Everything Hurts, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Like Emotionally, Not A Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Sad, Sad Ending, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair, but he's never gonna get to tell him that, but not from Cas, this episode broke me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28688646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress8611/pseuds/Huntress8611
Summary: SPOILERS FOR EPISODE S15E18 DESPAIRThe sound of the phone vibrating against the concrete floor was driving Dean crazy, but he still didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. He could barely think, barely breathe, let alone try to talk to someone on the phone, even if that someone was his little brother.“Fuck, fuck, no,” he whispered to himself, hands pulling at his hair. “No.”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester (mentioned), Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	A Broken Heart Is All That's Left, I'm Still Fixing All the Cracks (Lost a Couple of Pieces When I Carried It, Carried It, Carried It Home)

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this before s15e19 aired so it is not canon compliant to that episode. There are, obviously, spoilers for s15e18 Despair.
> 
> The title of this work is from the song Arcade by Duncan Laurence.

The sound of the phone vibrating against the concrete floor was driving Dean crazy, but he still didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. He could barely think, barely breathe, let alone try to talk to someone on the phone, even if that someone was his little brother.

“Fuck, fuck, no,” he whispered to himself, hands pulling at his hair. “No.”

He couldn’t breathe. It felt like Billie was crushing his heart again. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, unable to breath, trying not to completely break down, but at some point, the phone rang again. Sam must have cycled through all his phones and decided to try them all again.

Dean managed to take a small breath and he picked up the phone and answered it.

_ “Dean? Dean, they’re all gone, everyone’s gone. Not just the apocalypse world people-” _

“I- I know, Sam,” he managed. “It was- Chuck did it, not Billie.”

_ “Dean? Dean, what’s wrong? We’re almost at the bunker, like maybe a minute or two away.” _

“Cas made a- he made a deal. He- he’s  _ gone, _ Sammy.”

_ What do you mean, he’s gone? Gone as in the way everyone on Earth is gone? Or…” _

“The Empty. The deal- he- he made a deal with the Empty. It was for Jack- to get Jack-”

_ “A deal with the Empty? Jack, do you know what he’s talking about?” _

Dean could faintly hear their conversation.

_ “Cas made a deal. He didn’t want you guys to know, the deal was for me, and the price was his life. He said that when he felt true happiness, the Empty would come and collect his debt.” _

_ “Shit-” _

Dean wasn’t sure if they had stopped talking or if he was slipping back into his head, but he couldn’t hear them speaking anymore. He hadn’t felt this bad in a long time, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that he was having a panic attack or some sort of mental breakdown, but the only decipherable thought he had was that Cas was  _ gone. _

He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and a few seconds later another was grabbing his chin.

“-an. Dean, hey. Dean. Look at me, c’mon. Snap out of it.”

“Sammy,” he managed, looking up at his brother, who was crouched in front of him. “Jack?”

“He’s okay, he’s getting food and then he’s gonna try and catch an hour or two of sleep,” Sam reassured him. “Are you okay?”

Dean just stared at him, and he grimaced.

“Sorry, dumb question.”

“Cas, he- he said- he told me-” Dean couldn’t finish the sentence. “He’s dead.”

“Tell me what happened.”

“Billie, Billie was here. She tried to kill us, and we- we came in here, Cas warded the door. We couldn’t- there weren’t any options, Cas suggested the Empty. I didn’t- I said we couldn’t summon it, he said he could. He just had to get it to come collect his debt.”

Dean closed his eyes, unable to stop replaying Cas’ confession over and over in his mind.

“He said he loved me. He told me he loved me and I froze and I didn’t say it back, Sammy. I didn’t say it and now I can’t because he’s  _ dead-” _

He felt Sam’s arms wrap around him and pull him tightly against him.

“I’m so stupid, why did I have to freeze up? Now he doesn’t- I didn’t tell him, he doesn’t know, he said- he said what made him happy was something he couldn’t have-”

“Dean, breathe,” Sam said, tightening his grip on his brother. “You have to breathe.”

“I can’t fucking breathe, Sammy! Because he thought I didn’t love him and I didn’t correct him and now I’ll never get to because he’s  _ dead!” _ Dean shouted. “I’m-”

“Dean!” Sam shouted, cutting him off. “Dean.”

Dean was falling apart at the seams again. He couldn’t cope with this, didn’t know what to do, couldn’t  _ breathe. _

“Breathe, Dean,” he instructed. “Breathe. Please, just- do it for me. You have to breathe.”

“I can’t, I don’t- Sam, I-” Dean pressed his forehead into Sam’s shoulder, sobbing.

Sam didn’t know what to do. He knew he couldn’t think about Cas being dead, couldn’t afford to break down, not at the same time Dean was. If they both broke, well… they couldn’t. Not with what was happening, with Chuck getting rid of the entire population of the world.

He couldn't think about that, either. If he thought about that, he'd have to deal with the fact that everyone they've ever known was gone. Bobby, Jody, Charlie, Donna,  _ Eileen, _ all of them, just gone. He squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment and took a deep breath, pushing it aside. Later, he thought, later.

“Dean, I’m so sorry,” Sam said. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Dean didn’t respond, and Sam wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t hear him or because he was crying so hard that he couldn’t speak. It easily could’ve been either.

After a while, Dean managed to calm down a little bit. Not all the way, but enough to speak.

“Sometimes- sometimes I just wish that maybe, maybe, I could- that the universe would let me have something good. Let me keep something good,” he whispered. “Just once, I want something good to stay.”

Sam opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know what to say. He settled for resting his chin on top of his older brother’s head and rubbing a hand up and down his back.

“I had Lisa, Lisa and Ben, and then they were gone, they don’t even know I exist anymore. We lost Bobby, and then he was back, for a while, and then we lost him again. I- I made a friend, made friends with Benny, and then he didn’t come back. We had Charlie, we had Kevin, and then they were gone too. And Mom.  _ Mom _ was back, and then- then she was gone, and now I’ve lost her twice, and we even got to see Dad for a day, but only a day. Everyone dies, everyone  _ leaves. _ I thought- I thought Cas was safe. He’s an angel, for fuck’s sake. A literal angel. He should have been safe, shouldn’t have died.”

“Dean... “ Sam trailed off, trying to figure out how to respond to that.

“I just wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid,” he whispered. “That I hadn’t let him die thinking I didn’t love him.”

Sam didn’t respond to that. He knew that nothing he could say would make any of this any better. All that he could do was be there for his brother, and that would have to be enough.


End file.
